Currently in both independent and agency
adoptions, adoptive parents and birth parents are
coming together with much openness. In the 1980's,
both the American Adoption Congress and the Child
Welfare League of America passed resolutions
recommending open adoption as standard practice.
Is having initial openness along with a
comprehensive health history enough? Is it enough to
have pictures and letters for the child from the
birth family? Does openness solve most problems for
the child concerning roots? Do ongoing visitation
and contact with birth family help?
Open adoption is important it can provide a sense
of roots and continuity not seen in confidential
placements. With secrecy, feelings of shame and
inadequacy begin to dissolve. But, beyond open
placement every family choosing to adopt must
consciously know and work with the issue of
"entitlement." No, openness isn't enough.
ENTITLEMENT
In her book Raising Adopted Children, author Lois
Melina states: Developing a sense that a child
"belongs" in the family, even though he/she wasn't
born into it, is a crucial test for adoptive
parents. Unless parents develop a sense that the
child is really theirs, they will have difficulty
accepting that the child is really theirs. They will
have difficulty accepting their right to act as
parents.
She further says that a follow-up study by Benson
Jaffee and David Fanshel suggests "that the amount
of entitlement parents feel can be determined by
looking at the extent to which they take risks with
their children, deal with separation, handle
discipline and discuss adoption with their child and
others."
INFERTILITY ISSUES
When working with a prospective adoptive couple or
single, the issue of infertility resolution should
be considered. Even preferential adopters need to do
work in this area. Questions to ask are:
- What has been done regarding the grief process
when not able to give birth?
- Has the family or individual been in a support
group such as Resolve or have they had individual
counseling?
- Are they in denial thinking this longed for
"magical child" will fill the void?
- Are they angry, even furious because of this?
- Can they describe the grieving process, healing
and letting go?
- Generally if they can't describe it, they haven't
done it.
We know when there is a loss in our lives, there is
no such thing as "complete resolution." There are
times when sadness and grief will reappear and
recycle. Those who have done the majority of this
work will not become stuck feeling undeserving,
victimized, cheated or angry.
CLAIMING BEHAVIOR
Claiming behavior precedes entitlement. In several
ways, it is important that the family feel it has a
right to the child. The family will want to have a
strong self-concept and a commitment to the adoptive
relationship. As would be expected, parents who have
a solid base of self-esteem are better able to show
claiming behavior.
It is helpful to experience a psychological
pregnancy with ritual. After, grieving pregnancy
loss and having closure in this area, the adopting
couple or single can begin preparing the home for
the arrival al of the child. A full nursery can be
readied and enjoyed prior to the child's arrival.
Because rituals provide a way for people to express
their feelings and because they signify change,
these are signs that change will take place: In the
past, children of adoption have sometimes arrived on
short notice. Perhaps out of fear or superstition,
pregnancy rituals have been little acknowledged.
Another sign that change is coming is by having a
baby shower attended by family and friends. A shower
is a way to share some of the feelings of
uncertainty while, talking about hope and dreams for
the future. While some pre-adoptive families will
feel uncomfortable doing all of this prior to the
arrival of a baby, my clients tell me consistently
that they have no regrets about preparing a nursery
and having a shower prior to the baby's arrival. It
helps with the transition in thinking of themselves
as parents-to-be.
MORE RITUALS
Rituals following the arrival of a child will aid
entitlement. A common traditional ritual is a
christening ceremony. In open adoption, an
entrustment ceremony where the baby is formally
presented to the adoptive parents is another
building block in feeling entitled. It is a way to
acknowledge feelings of shared joy and sadness, loss
and gain, and change...
Rituals provide a meaningful bridge out of secrecy
and shame, which have been prevalent in traditional
adoption. Children learn more from what we feel than
what we say. Rituals celebrated with openness, love
and pride send a strong message of-validation to
those around us and, most importantly, to the infant
or child. As frosting enhances a cake, so rituals
optimize entitlement.
Entitlement is maximized when the family can have
fun and be silly. Anyone still mired in infertility
grief will be unable to be light-hearted and enjoy
the child. As the "memory makers" for our children,
we provide the rituals, traditions and values we
think important. Light-hearted times will vary
according to one's own parenting style and need not
be expensive or elaborate. Children learn best in an
atmosphere that is relaxed and fun. When we can
play, laugh and spread out joy to our children and
others, entitlement thrives.
It is said that laughter is the mainspring of the
soul. Parenting is supposed to be fun!
ONGOING PROCESS OVER TIME
Entitlement does not occur as a single event. It is
built over time through many developmental stages.
Entitlement -translates into self-confidence in
one's parenting style. The focus is child-centered
when we are sensitive to the child's needs and
feelings. Secure, self-confident parents are able to
solidly bond and attach to their child. Adoption
issues or fears regarding the birth family are dealt
with and are not ignored.
Ownership of the child is not seen in a family with
well-developed entitlement. It is seen in the family
who is highly fearful, controlling and generally
focused on their own needs rather than those of the
child. In this kind of situation with little
emotional safety provided the child so learns from
cues to shut down and ask few questions. As with a
pressure cooker, the contents remain locked inside
while building momentum . . .awaiting release at a
much later time.
Parents who are secure transmit that security to the
child who can then reciprocate in the attachment
cycle. Feelings go full circle in a home atmosphere
which is nurturing and safe emotionally. It is
important to remember that bonding is a slow
unfolding process which takes time. Just as it takes
time to come to terms about your fantasies about the
child, so it takes time to grow together.
The bonding cycle can be hindered if a child does
not respond well to us. It can also be affected if
the child has a different temperament and
personality style than that of the adoptive family.
It can be difficult to parent a child who is
physically unattractive to us. Good entitlement,
along with awareness and knowledge, consciousness,
support and resources will help the parents at a
difficult juncture.
VISITATION
Children in open situations with birth family
contact are not confused. Without exception,
professionals and adoptive families are reporting
more positives than not in these situations. Without
shame or secrecy, the adopted person is able to move
through develop mental stages without becoming
stuck. The openness adds "concrete pieces." The
birth family is a reality, not a fantasy. The child
going into puberty in an open placement can directly
call and ask the birthparent about his or her own
experience. (My daughter did this after wondering
why she was developing so early. Her birth mother
was able to share information which was not on the
original health history form.) With birth parent
fantasy a reality, the child can be freer
emotionally. Yes, the child will still go through
stages of grief from time to time. With increased
cognition, the reality of the loss will be
understood and felt. But, the answers will be
available directly. Parents who have done processing
around their adoption fears are able to send verbal
and body language messages that match when questions
arise. Once again, we see that this optimizes the
child's attachment to the adoptive family.
SUMMARY
Entitlement can best be achieved after emotional
reactions to infertility have been identified and
processed. As a key dynamic in the open or closed
adoption process it strengthens all family ties. .
Entitlement requires consciousness and awareness on
the part of the adoptive parents. Developing a sense
of entitlement is ongoing and takes time.
Rituals are a vital part of entitlement helping the
family move away from secrecy and shame.
Pre-adoption rituals, post adoption family rituals
which are complex and those which are simple,
contribute to family integration. Rituals
acknowledge feelings, define relationships and mark
transitions in our lives. Rituals strengthen
feelings of entitlement.
Entitlement, to parents, means that we feel whole in
our parenting. Whole parents are confident when
disciplining. Discipline is neither too harsh nor
too light. Parents in the entitlement mode versus
the ownership mode are able to provide an atmosphere
which feels emotionally safe and respectful. The
adopted child senses that questions about adoption
may be comfortably, asked and issues may be
explored.
A strong sense of entitlement is a basic building
block in the bonding/attachment cycle with -the
child. A child feeling that parents are relaxed,
safe, confident and whole can grow and blossom in
this kind of nurturing environment. Well-attached
children have strong conscience development. Safety
is the basic building block in the family atmosphere
from which entitlement comes forth. Self-esteem then
follows as part of this process.
Open adoption is the concrete piece which further
assists the -family in this journey towards becoming
confident and whole. Added contact with the birth
family in a relaxed, accepting atmosphere benefits
not only the adoptive family, but the child and
birth family as well. Everyone wins!
Ellen Roseman-Curtis is Director of "Cooperative
Adoption Consulting" located in San
Anselmo, CA. The service is international focusing
on education and openness in both
agency and independent placements. Ellen lives near
San Francisco with her three daughters, who came to
her through birth and adoption. Audiotape on
Entitlement can be purchased through Cooperative
Adoption Consulting, 54 Wellington Ave., San Anselmo,
CA 94960.