Adoption Issues in Families

By Ellen Roseman © 2003
 

1. Infertility Resolution
   Adoption readiness is a major key as an adoption family issue. It has been said infertility encompasses all who we are. It is a spiritual, physical, emotional, psychological, and financial crisis. Adoptive parents who are still angry, disappointed, bitter, sad, and or fearful will unknowingly "contaminate" the parent-child relationship. They almost always lack empathy for the child and the birth family. Children take in more of what we feel than what we say.... Unresolved issues cannot be buried and will eventually be acted out by the child/children. Children in these situations view themselves as "defective" and "at fault."
    
2. Bonding / Attachment
   Bonding/attachment is impaired when infertility grief work has been skipped. If we are uncomfortable or fearful with issues, we convey shame to the child and this in term affects the child's self esteem. Parents adopting even an infant would do well to do some reading on bonding/attachment of children in families.
    
3. Entitlement
   This term has been defined as "developing a sense that a child belongs in the family, even though she wasn't born into it." Whether in a closed or open adoption, adoptive parents need to consciously work with the issue of entitlement. A study at UCLA indicated adoptees are generally less mature than their peers' parents with poor entitlement usually find it difficult to discipline, handle separation, and discuss adoption with the child and others. Parents not adopting usually possess a natural sense of entitlement. Adoptive parents have to work at this, as it does not come naturally for most.
    
4. Open Adoption
   Open adoption gives the child a sense of genetic continuity and control, answers questions in a concrete way, provides direct communication, and gives the adoptive family a way to practice with the issue of entitlement.
    
5. Rituals
   These have long been missing in adoption. Rituals can foster entitlement in adoptive families, assist with bonding/attachment, and act as a bridge during transitions such as the teen years during identity formation.

Although all families come from varied backgrounds and have different beliefs and values, it is imperative that every adoptive parent understand and be able to integrate the important concepts of infertility resolution and entitlement into their adoptive family setting.

Those adopting from abroad my not have the opportunity to know birth family and provide genetic continuity for their child. Still, they can do much to foster their child's cultural heritage. Rituals are important for all to acknowledge transitions, changes, gains, and losses.

Making sure we provide a setting which is "emotionally safe and secure° for our children is critical if we are to produce healthy secure individuals. Making sure we allow questions and exploration about the adoption process can and will enhance our bonding/attachment with our child. In order to do this, we must have completed our own emotional homework around our own fertility grief and losses.

There are no shortcuts. An understanding of adoption and its many complexities is vital if we are to successfully meet the challenges facing us as parents in the new millennium.
 

Ellen Roseman-Curtis is Director of "Cooperative Adoption Consulting" located in San Anselmo, CA. The service is international focusing on education and openness in both agency and independent placements. Ellen lives near San Francisco with her three daughters, who came to her through birth and adoption. Audiotape on Entitlement can be purchased through Cooperative Adoption Consulting, 54 Wellington Ave., San Anselmo, CA 94960.