Everyone agrees that this
“search and reunion business” is emotional and, for
better or for worse, necessary as each part of the
triad handles the ups and downs of the journey. As
an adoptee, I have spent plenty of time since my
search and reunion pondering over the meaning of
life as I now know it — sometimes feeling up, often
feeling down, talking and listening to others who
have gone through the same thing. As we know, there
isn’t one way to do things or a certain way to
feel, but there is something all of us can do — and
that is to move on with our lives.
I have heard so many
adoptees talk about their angst and pin everything
unsavory that has happened to them on being
adopted. It is one thing to talk about this and
acknowledge the negative in our lives, but it is
another to hang onto it and let it control us. I am
always surprised when my suggestion of letting go is
met with glares, and I understand it is sometimes
difficult to let go of what has become a comfortable
feeling, even if it’s not a healthy one.
I was interested to read in
the PACER newsletter last summer that Nancy Verrier,
author of The Primal Wound, was working on a new
book about “personal responsibility and the
unhealthy embrace of victimhood.” I have seen lots
of “victims” out there, who need to take charge of
their life, of their emotions, and stop permanently
embracing the pain that goes along with this journey
of adoption. One does not have to be adopted to
feel pain or know loss or feel abandoned, just as
one does not have to be related by blood to feel
connected to others.
It is all too easy to take
antidepressants indefinitely, gain too much extra
weight, or develop some unsavory habit because we
were adopted. Too often, we lose touch with old
friends, our family, our kids and spouses because we
get so caught up in our pain and blaming our
circumstances on our past.
It’s okay to wallow in it
for a while – but then move on. As a therapist
friend of mine says, “it is just information.” Look
at it, then let it go. Acknowledging information
can’t hurt us, but hanging on to it can do all sorts
of things to us over time.
In my birthmother’s case,
she can’t tell her secret that she gave birth to and
then relinquished me. I have siblings and relatives
who will probably never know about me because of her
difficulty in letting go of what happened 44 years
ago. I feel great empathy for her and I wish she
could let go – for her sake, not mine. As she now
battles cancer, I can’t help but believe that
secrets can make us ill.
Life is a journey, no
matter who you are. We can choose to let the knocks
that come with life pin us down, or we can bounce
back up and get on with things. It’s not always
easy, but it is necessary in order to really have
control over ourselves. One of the main lessons my
journey has taught me is that while we cannot
control those around us, we can control ourselves
and how we feel about things. We can choose to let
the facts bother and depress us, or we can choose to
learn from them and go on. After doing it both
ways, acknowledging the past and then moving on has
worked best for me – no matter how hard it seemed to
do at the time or how comfortable it felt hanging on
to that pain. And moving on does not mean
forgetting.
How many of us can forget
that we relinquished a child long ago, or were
separated from our birth roots, or were not able to
conceive a child? We do not need to forget in order
to let go. But my identity does not need to be “I
am Melissa and I am an adoptee.” That is a part of
my life experience, not the sum and total. As
reunions go, mine was not that great – my
birthfather wanted no further contact, and while my
birthmother acknowledges me, she can’t do so to the
rest of her family. And that’s okay.
It is the way it is for
now, and I am going to move along – because life is
too short to stay stuck. Instead of embracing the
victim role, I believe we learn from our past and
share our message of growth with others. We can
look at all the important events in our lives, feel
them, cry and laugh over them, and move on. Don’t
allow past pains to keep you from achieving what you
deserve: peace of mind and happiness of heart. This
is the least we can do for ourselves – and for those
who love us.