As I am tidying the gravesite of my son's adoptive
mother almost 35 years later, I reflect on the
secrecy that has caused so much pain and kept us apart.
We had all the answers in 1965. Adoption would easily
solve the problem of an unplanned pregnancy: The
birthparents would forget, the adoptive parents would
take the child as if their own, and life would begin
anew. Adoption is far more complex and has far more
facets than anyone realized in those days. Today we are
reaping the results of our arrogance and our ignorance.
It was forgotten that we would all grow old together. I
would love and remember my son for a lifetime, so would
his adoptive parents, and so my son would remember me.
We are all connected forever. The woman I am
remembering is a woman that I deeply regret never
meeting and never knowing. I bring flowers to decorate
her grave as my private declaration of the love I feel
for her.
The inscription on her tombstone reads "Beloved wife,
loving mother, and caring friend." I am pleased because
I think it includes me as well as "our" son, his father,
and his brother. She would have been my caring friend.
Her happiness would have brought me smiles.
I realize that whether we like it or not, my son and
I are connected, but so am I connected to his parents --
and they to me. I am part of their lives and they are
part of mine. To think otherwise is shallowness. To
never speak, to never know each other is a painful,
needless loss of never knowing these kinfolk to whom you
are related. There is a place for all of us. There has
to be.
We can pretend we are not connected, but in fact when
parents adopt a child they are also connected to the
birthparents. When birthparents place a child for
adoption they are connected to the adoptive parents as
well. This is what is real.
I was told I would forget, they were told to continue as
if born unto. I don't want to disappear. I want to
claim my place and be recognized for it. It is an
important place in our son's life. I've considered
giving it up and decided I will not -- cannot -- do it.
I don't want more than my place. I am not his parent. I
am his birthparent. We are all connected and will be
forever.
Are we needy as some would claim? I think not. We are
related to one another. The arrogance of those who knew
all the answers, the naiveté of my young self who
believed. I vow to teach my children.
Donna Oman was one of the original founding board
members of PACER. She relinguished her son for adoption
32 years ago, is a credentialed elementary school
teacher, and now lives in Lakewood, Washington.