What Adoptive Parents Can Do:
Parenting Your Adopted Child

By Nancy Verrier, MA, MFT  
 

• Deal with the reality of the adoptive situation:  different from a biological family, it's parenting plus!
   
• Mother can be alert and empathetic to signs of loss and grieving.
   
• Realize that it will be more difficult for her to know what to do for this particular child without genetic markers.  Be especially aware.
   
• If possible, stay home with your child.  S/he doesn't need one more disappearing mother.
   
• Understand your child's coping mechanisms:  acting out or compliant.  Compliant doesn't mean untroubled.
   
• The acting-out child will demonstrate the "wrong mother" idea by making the adoptive mom wrong about many things.  This interfaces with the child's need for control.
   
• Try to understand the difficulty of growing up without seeing oneself reflected anywhere.
   
• Celebrate your child's birthday before the actual day.
   
• Don't be late picking up your child from school, activities, etc.  This can trigger feelings of abandonment.
   
• Fear often keeps your child from letting in love.  Be patient.  Try not to feel rejected (it's not personal).
   
• Tell your child about the adoption before your child knows what it means.
   
• As your child gets older, answer questions honestly.  Don't speak for anyone else (i.e. the birthmother).
   
• Never say:

1. "Your birthmother loved you so much she wanted you to have a good home."  Even if this were true, it makes absolutely no sense to a child.  One doesn't give away what one loves.
2. "We chose you."  Remember, your child was first "unchosen" by the birthmother.  Besides, it is probably not true.
3. "You should feel grateful."  Adoptive parents should be grateful.  A child would never choose this.

• If you can, stay in touch with your child's birth family.  Your child needs genetic markers.
   
• Honor promises.  This also goes for birth parents.  Step-families can do it, so can you!
   
• Learn to understand the differences between behavior (acting out or compliant) and the child's true personality.  Behavior will often be different outside the family.  It's easier for others to discern personality.
   
• Acknowledge, respect, and value the differences between your adoptee and the other members of your family.
   
• Encourage your child's talents and interests, even if they are different from yours.
   
• Because your child will not be able to verbalize his or her pain, look for other forms of communication:  art, poetry, play, projective identification (an important concept for adoptive parents to understand for their sanity!).
   
• Behavior is often a metaphor for beliefs:  feels stolen, so may steal; living a lie, so may lie; people disappear, so may hoard food, etc.
   
• Recognize the core issues:  abandonment, loss, rejection, trust, intimacy, guilt and shame, control and identity.
   
• Learn to understand your child's anger as a cover for pain.  Empathize with the pain.
   
• Never threaten abandonment, no matter now provocative your child becomes.
   
• Acknowledge your child's feelings.  Never say, "You shouldn't feel that way."  Feelings come from the unconscious and are valid.  Teach your child to find appropriate ways to express those feelings.
   
• Allow your child to be him- or herself.  Withdraw expectations which do not fit your child's personality or abilities.
   
• Do not try to take the place of the birthmother.  She is real to your child.  You are a different person and very important in your child's life.
   
• Don't try to take away your child's pain.  Try to understand it, help your child put it into words, and give your child ways to work it through.
   
• Adoptees are often diagnosed with ADD.  This is a result of the trauma [of separation] and has nothing to do with intelligence.  Parents and teachers will need patience.
   
• Prepare your child for changes in routine.  Your child may fear surprises (e.g. the disappearance of mother).
   
• Because of interruption of the natural order, your child will not understand cause and effect or consequences as readily as other children.  This is especially difficult during adolescence.  Your child needs to be reinforced gently.
   
• Your child needs strong boundaries and limits, even though s/he may fight against them.  Your child needs to feel safe, contained, and cared for.
   
• Father will not be having the same experience as Mother.  He needs to empathize with and support Mother.
   
• Both parents need a support group to compare notes with other adoptive parents and to avoid isolation.