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Healing Adoption Wounding:
Carista Luminare, Ph.D., Talks about her True Self Model
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By
Geneva Anderson
(Continued from page 1) In her book, Luminare
states that leading edge research contends that prenatal
life and the birth experience are often profound
determinants of human personality and aptitude and that
unborn children see, hear and feel in the womb (seen in
studies by Verny, Chamberlain).
In
terms of adoption’s impact, Luminare believes that
birthmothers who are deciding whether or not to relinquish
their child typically go through a myriad of ambivalent
feelings during pregnancy, coupled with high stress, which
can create a highly challenging developmental environment
for the growing child. Most birthmothers have stress
during pregnancy and there are many kinds of stress, and not
all are associated with lasting damage but intense chronic
stress and persistent fear have been shown to have adverse
influences on prenatal brain and endocrine system
development that control behavior. This may impact how the
child learns, solves problems and relates to others. (“The
Effects of Toxic Stress During Pregnancy,”
National Scientific Council on the Developing Child,
Harvard University, 2006) The impact of this prenatal
trauma, along with the shock to the new born of
relinquishment and abrupt separation from its birthmother
can negatively impact the adoptee’s self-identity.
Birthmothers are designed by nature to be their infant’s
first unconditional and dependable love source. The
subconscious messages the child may internalize from
relinquishment include “I am not loveable” or “I am not
wanted” which contribute to the development of a “false
self.” Throughout the course of the adoptee’s life, he or
she develops a number of beliefs and behaviors that
compensate for and actually reinforce this false self.
Self
Love can release us from the trauma and negative behavioral
patterns that have come to define our lives. Self Love is a
developed skill—learning to make healthy choices to nurture
one’s sense of self worth and choosing relationships where
one feels valued. This is most challenging for those who
were never taught or inspired by a positive role model. Yet,
with a willingness to take charge of healing the past
wounding, and with a wise guide who understands this self
discovery is primal and essential, anyone can learn to
accept and love themselves unconditionally.
Are you Stuck?
Ask
yourself the following questions:
-
Are your primary love relationships empowering your True
Self ? Or, is the relationship conducted/filtered
through slides (yours or theirs) resulting in you not
connecting in a direct experience of feeling accepted,
empowered and loved? Is your primary love relationship
reinforcing a feeling of abandonment and insecurity?
Do you realize that you have a choice?
-
Do you have acute or chronic dysfunctional or addictive
habits that may be medicating feelings of being unwanted
or suppressed feelings from adoption trauma? (Look at
your choices/consumption of food, alcohol, drugs, self
care practices, lifestyle. Do you love and respect
yourself and treat yourself and your body with respect?)
-
Do you feel healthy or is there a health crisis brewing
due to chronic stress of feeling deeply unsettled with
your adoption experience?
The Negative Love Matrix
As
humans, we learned love from our primary love objects, our
parents. How they modeled love becomes our archetype and
motif for what love is. For most parents, though, due to
their own childhood programming, they did not know how to
nourish our true nature or how to help us develop a strong
sense of inner security. Love was mixed with other toxic,
unhealthy patterns such as shame, control, rejection,
aggression, neglect, abuse, addiction.
When
a child unconsciously adopts its parents negative attributes
and mirrors them back in an effort to be loved and to
demonstrate love (and we all do this, none of us are
immune), he or she becomes a victim of the Negative Love
Syndrome. This term for enacting inherited patterns that
cause emotional and spiritual pain was coined by therapist
Bob Hoffman. How we as adults choose our primary love
objects—our lovers—and how we treat our children—is a
dynamic borne out of this early familial conditioning.
Unless we do personal work to free ourselves from this
negative patterning and re-educate ourselves about how to
make healthy love choices, we will not achieve our full
potential and most likely will live with some degree of
inauthentic, compulsive and self-sabotaging behavior, making
our children vulnerable to our unhealed patterns as well.
The
Negative Love Syndrome disconnects us from our own true
source of power, our inner spiritual self, our True Self.
As adoptees, we suffer twice having been conditioned in the
womb by our birthmothers and after birth by our adoptive
parents. We all pay dearly for our negative conditioning—we
project our parents’ patterns of negative love unconsciously
and automatically onto our lovers and authority figures, and
recreate our early family system with its dysfunction. As
adults we can become triggered and actually recreate our
childhood behaviors---our inner child is in control---
trying to please, avoid pain. We actually do this instead
of resolving the adult conflicts in our lives and moving
forward. We get stuck in childhood, acting like a child.
True Self Recovery
Program
“Valuing and becoming fascinated with your true self is the
key to getting unstuck from adoption trauma. Anyone can
take charge of their inner life and re-pattern themselves to
wholeness. It can be done….but no one can heal you for
you. You must use your free will and do the inner work to
dismantle your false self conditioning. You need to become
fascinated with developing and embodying your true self.
The
big difference between an adult and a child is that as an
adult you can educate yourself and differentiate between
healthy and unhealthy choices. As a child, you did not have
the wisdom, resources or guidance available to you to
separate yourself from negative love influences and to heal
yourself. The True Self Recovery Program is a diagnostic
system that identifies how the Negative Love Matrix has
impacted your self-identity and belief system. It then
helps you dismantle your false-self identity and replace
this with new beliefs and behaviors that reflect your loving
true self nature. This requires that you become the
adult/parent for the wounded child aspect of your self
identity. This generally requires the guidance of a
professional who can model and teach healthy self-love
practices.
The
good news is that the false self is just patterns—in your
mind--that you have come to rely on, that can be changed.
Using Luminare’s slide projector model, you can identify
your false patterns, those slides that project negatively
onto your True Self, and consciously remove them. Those
limiting patterns can then be replaced with a more positive
belief and identity system that empowers your True Self
expression. You can consciously create the life you want to
live by choosing positive relationships that nurture and
embrace you, work that fulfills you, and a social matrix
where you are honored and respected.
Living as Your True Self
As
an adult with new awareness, you now have an intentional (or
conscious) choice who you love, as well as a natural
instinct to protect yourself against negative love
influences and to cherish yourself. Or, you can give your
power away to unhealthy relationships that dishonor and
disregard you. At the core of this is Self Love, a
developed skill set where one is dedicated to making daily
choices to nurture one's sense of self worth, and to choose
relationships where one feels valued and empowered so that
the light of your true self shines through you and is
projected clearly into the other and into the world. The
True Self Way = you consciously create a self–affirming self
identity and belief system that is an expression of the life
you want to live.
If
adoptees internalized the belief that love is mixed with
abandonment, this is often projected in their adult
relationships with a primary love person. This person
either threatens to or actually does abandon them and often
they recapitulate this dynamic over and over. This is
really the wounded personality’s way of trying to resolve
the issue. This can only happen when one recognizes that
they are in a cycle and are willing to dismantle the complex
of patterns to free themselves from it. The inner dialogue
would be: “I don’t have to choose a lover who constantly
abandons or threatens to abandon me in recapitulation of my
past.” The healthy self love outcome is “I can now discern
and protect myself from negating, indifferent love sources
as my primary relationships. I will choose protective
nurturing people who want to love me and cherish me.”
Open Records Legislation in
California: Update AB372, CARE
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By
Gene Sperring (a founding member of CARE)
(Continued from page 3)
CARE wishes to thank Jean Strauss for her leadership and
commitment in the important beginning stages of crafting
this complex and vital legislation for our state of
California, which has the greatest number of adoptees and
therefore the greatest number of sealed adoption records.
Thanks is also extended to all those who have helped make
our historical progress possible. We are not giving up but
recognize that we will have to fight for access. PACER, as
an organization, continues to support efforts to restore the
right of access of every person to their original birth
certificate in the state of California.
New California Law AB 1325 Impacts
Native American Adoptions
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By
Geneva Anderson
(Continued from page
3) The ICWA has not been implemented
consistently across the foster-adoption system which has
resulted in Native American children losing their language,
culture and family and tribal connections.
The
intent of AB1325 is to help birth families maintain
connections through continued contact wherever possible and
advisable with an emphasis on extended family raising the
child where possible.
PACER Supports Orphans Affected by
Typhoon Ondoy in the Philippines
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By
Mark Kunkel
(Continued from page
3) After the flood hit, Mary Villa sent
out a flyer listing the damage to its compound which
includes a chapel, nursery, maternity home, administration
buildings, community center, adoption office, counseling
rooms, dormitory, kitchen, and bathrooms. All in all, 23
infants (four newborn), 17 mothers, nine caregivers, one
social worker, one driver, three maintenance men, two
volunteers and two executives were impacted. About 80
meters of concrete walls caved in. All ground floor
facilities, including the nursery, were fully submerged and
most equipment was destroyed, including office equipment,
communication equipment, documents, appliances (vital
refrigerators), nursery and medical supplies. The infants
had to be moved.
In response, PACER worked
with two Filipino-American nonprofit organizations, the
Philippine American Foundation for Charities, Inc.
(Washington D.C.) and Mabuhay, Inc. (Maryland) to raise over
$2000 for flood relief. The latest news we have is that the
damage was so extensive that the babies were moved to
another facility while renovation is going on. Ongoing
donations are needed. To find out how you can help, please
email
ebayadoptee@pacer-adoption.org.
A New Study on Identity and Adoption
Affirms What We Have Lived, Plus Important Insights
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By
Geneva Anderson
(Continued from page
3) Still a work in progress!
Check back for the remainder of the article.
Two New Films Tackle What It Means to be
Asian and American
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Film: “Wo Ai Ni Mommy” (World
Premiere)
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Director Stephanie Wang-Breal, USA, 2009, 76 min
(Premieres August 31, 2010 on POV. Check your local
broadcast schedule.)
Reviewed by
Geneva Anderson
(Continued from page
4) As the film unfolds, nothing is held
back. We first meet the Sadowsky family in Long Island.
Jeff and Donna have two teenage sons and a 3-year-old
Chinese daughter, Dara, who was adopted at age 14 months.
The decision to adopt another child was agreed upon by all
family members and everyone’s view seems to have been
respected. The action then moves to China with Donna in her
hotel room, a few hours before she is going to meet her new
daughter, Sui Yong. Her elderly father has made the
journey with her. Her husband Jeff made the difficult
decision to stay at home and care for the rest of their
children so that Donna could devote her full attention to
Faith. Donna is anxiously preparing stacks of hundred
dollar bills and organizing gifts for the orphanage. Sui
Yong’s care for 6 years has been subsidized by the Chinese
government and Donna is paying $3,000, a pittance compared
to costs in the US.
At
the Guangzhou Civil Affairs Office, the first meeting
between mother and daughter unfolds in the chaos of what
appears to be a dozen similar introductions taking place all
at once. The tension is palpable. A social worker
carefully handles the introduction and Sui Yong is asked
what she thinks of the name “Faith.” She is then told that
she will now be called Faith and she should call Donna
“Mommy.” She is told many times that Donna loves her and
that she will come to love her Mommy too. As Donna gives
her daughter her first hug and pulls her into her arms,
Faith is stoic, shell-shocked. When given the chance to ask
Donna questions, she asks only one—does the Sadowsky family
eat fish. To which Donna answers yes, “We like fish.” A
smile emerges.
What
follows is a linear narrative—tracking moments of happiness,
ambivalence, sheer fright and acting out, an unexpected
meeting with Faith’s Chinese foster family, traveling back
to Long Island where Faith meets the rest of her new
family, and her subsequent struggles to integrate into
family life in America. Language, food, habits—everything
Faith has known as young Chinese girl vanish as she
struggles to adapt to boisterous Jewish family life. Donna
is a no-nonsense mom and establishes boundaries and
expectations right away–Faith must learn English to
communicate and she needs to learn to share what’s going on
inside so that her family can understand her needs. Dad
Jeff is a very loving father who is keenly aware of the
impact of his smallest gestures of affection or discipline
and is very careful to treat all his children equally and
with sensitivity.
Over
the course of 17 months, we gradually witness Faith’s
transformation into a lively, outspoken American
child. Rapid immersion has had a remarkable impact– there
is a noticeable set of cultural gains and losses and actual
shifts in her personality and identity. She moves
differently, has different expressions and attitudes and now
identifies herself as American. Sadly, she has nearly
forgotten her native Cantonese language but wants
desperately to communicate by Skype with her beloved foster
sister in China. Of particular interest is the rare
footage of adoptive mother Donna meeting Faith’s Chinese
foster mother and family in China. (In China, the law
prohibits foster parents from adopting.) We are poignantly
aware throughout the film that this foster family
nurtured Faith for several years in China. This loving
bond, her most significant source of attachment and love
after her birthmother abandoned her, has been a
healing anchor for Faith. The Sadowskys recognize that and
welcome the foster family into their lives as well.
In
all, we marvel at the courage of the Sadowsky family to
allow a camera to roll uncensored through this intimate and
often raw experience. Some very difficult moments are
captured and this is actually what gives this film its real
force. When Faith does not get her way, she pitches a fit
and says she wants to leave and return to China. When she
struggles with carrying her books due to her impairment, she
doesn’t ask for help and is scolded when they drop to the
ground. At one point she blurts out to Donna “You are a
white person and I am Chinese.” Adoptive mom Donna Sadowsky
has a strong parenting style. She doesn’t always achieve
immediate success but she is consistent, respectful and
always listens to her children. We never doubt her love
for Faith. As the film progresses, we witness the entire
family trying to strengthen their bond with Faith and to
protect her. In all, what emerges is a very realistic
account of the hard work, self awareness and love it takes
to pull adoption off on a daily basis. This is a deeply
moving and intelligent film that probes the very heart of
what family means while exploring issues of identity,
cultural assimilation and bonding.
Film: “Lost Child"
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Directed
by Karen Arthur, USA, 2000, 94 min, DVD available on
amazon.com
Hallmark Hall of Fame presentation based on the book
Looking for Lost Bird by Yvette Melanson and Claire
Safran
Reviewed by Vicki White
(Continued from page
4) Up until this point, the film validates
the inherent unspoken loneliness in the adopted person. I
could feel the depth of Rebecca’s loneliness, especially
when she decided to search for her twin brother. She was
asked why, and answered, “He might be lonely.”
As
Rebecca begins her search for her twin, the perspective
broadens to include the feelings of the birth parents and
birth family and the impact of losing a child.
Via
the internet, Rebecca is connected with a birth sister. She
learns that she is Navajo and has three siblings all living
on a Navajo reservation in Arizona. A horrible piece of her
history is also related to her. A few days after she and
her twin were born, she fell ill and both babies were taken
to the “white man’s” hospital in Fort Defiance and left
there to recuperate. The parents heard nothing back from the
hospital and when they went to claim their children, the
babies were gone . . . stolen!
As
Rebecca’s reunion with her large Navajo family unfolded, I
began to understand the reasons for my inner discontent.
Although my adoptive parents loved and cared for me in a
wonderful environment, I was not allowed to stay “home” and
was taken away.
Rebecca’s birth father was very matter of fact about his
daughter, the “lost bird,” as were the rest of her family.
“This is your home. Out there, you are lost. Here, you are
known.” He assumed she would put her life with her husband
and two daughters in Pennsylvania behind her and come home
to the reservation. This didn’t seem plausible to me, but I
understood it more when the Navajo practice of burying the
umbilical cord was spoken about. “You and the land are one.
Here the wind knows your name. You are not a stranger here.
You knew where you belonged from day one.” The worst insult
you can make to a Navajo is, “He acts as if he has no
family.”
“Lost Child” is a rich and beautiful film. The comparison
between Odette Marie’s Navajo roots and her Jewish
upbringing is striking. You will be moved by backdrop of the
beautiful Arizona landscape and the spirituality of Navajo
traditions .
I
gained this insight. As certain as was Odette Marie’s
family’s assumption that she was their lost bird, far from
her home, that is how big her emptiness was. This film
helped me understand the immensity of the suppressed
feelings I have lived with all my life. These are feelings
that no words can describe but that have steered me much
like an invisible rudder in directions I do not want to go.
You
will have to see the film to find out if Odette Marie stayed
on the reservation. Whether she did or didn’t, she gained
new knowledge about where her “home” is and about who she
is. With this new sense of self, she is centered and can
choose where she wants to go from there. I hope you too
will become more aware of the immensity of the feelings that
have come from “losing your home.” Not knowing something
can shape your life just strongly as knowing something. I
hope that whatever way you find yourself and your home that
your life will be of your own design-- comfortable and
contented.