It's important
to realize that the most crucial part of the reunion
is the first contact. If the first contact isn't
handled with sensitivity and respect for the other
person’s privacy it can forever alter the outcome of
the reunion.
It’s wise to
never assume that the person you are trying to
contact will be as excited to be found as you are
excited to find them. The other person probably will
be thrilled to be contacted...however don't assume
this and let the excitement of the moment propel you
into making a rash decision to make a phone call and
surprise them.
THE LETTER OPTION
I
strongly encourage everyone to send a letter for the
first contact and not to make a phone call or knock
on a door. The letter from an adoptee should include
a family picture if married or a casual snapshot if
single. A birth parent should include one taken
about the time of the adoptee's birth and a current
snapshot. A good format for your letter would be to
have three paragraphs; the first paragraph you could
identify yourself and give some information about
your adoption connection; the second paragraph you
could give some information about yourself now
(career, education, hobbies, family) to give the
receiver of the letter a "comfort zone" for
contacting you back; the third paragraph you might
want to make a statement similar to this: "My
research has led me to you. Please be assured that I
only would like the opportunity to correspond with
you now or to possibly meet you some day in the
future if that is agreeable with you. It is not my
intent to invade your life in any way. I will
respect your privacy and will honor your decision
whatever way it goes. I would greatly appreciate the
opportunity to receive a letter from you indicating
your feelings, either way, so that I am at least
able to know I have reached you successfully."
THE PHONE CALL OPTION
A
phone call can be more instantly gratifying and has
worked for many people. However, it can also bring
any possible reunion to an immediate end if the
birth relative you are searching for doesn’t know
about you or hasn’t told other members of their
family about the relinquishment. A birth relative
may want to know more about you through
correspondence before talking on the phone. The
person being contacted may also need processing time
to consider your request. What you don’t want to do
is create a "deer in the headlights syndrome" and
force them to make a quick decision if they were not
expecting to hear from you. A phone call can put
your reunion at risk! It’s better to be safe than
sorry….
The most
powerful contact is between the people involved in
the relinquishment and adoption. A third party
contacting the person you are looking for is not
generally the best way to start a relationship. It’s
not wise to contact other relatives first in the
hopes that they may tell you where your birth
parents are living or where the adoptee is living.
Relating your adoption connection to an unknowing
relative could jeopardize your reunion. If you are
using a search angel or a professional searcher to
assist you in your search make sure that you advise
your search assistant what contact rules are
important to you in your search.
Be optimistic
and respectful and give yourself time to make the
contact in a way that will give your reunion the
greatest chance of success. Be prepared to "wait"
for a response. If the person you are looking for
has also been actively searching for you then you
probably will get a quick response. If they haven’t
been looking for you it may take one to three months
before they respond to your letter. ]The burden of
patience falls on the person who initiated the
contact, whether that person was the birthparent,
birth relative or the adoptee. When you contact
someone, you take them by surprise. Whether it's a
positive surprise or a negative one, chances are
that person will need time to adjust. If you haven’t
heard from them after one to three months I would
suggest writing a second letter.
This article reprinted with permission from the
author. Copyright,
Colleen Buckner, 1.877.741.4115.
Colleen is a professional searcher who specializes in
California adoption searches.