Initial Contact Guidelines

Keep this near the phone while searching – you may reach your goal unexpectedly!

First contact is best by phone.  This protects their privacy and assures you of future contact.

Talk with the person directly.  Do not leave a message or voicemail.  Try again later.

When you are sure that your person is on the line, use this script:

"I'm so afraid that we will be cut off.  Please take my number.  Do you have paper and pencil?  This is my number.  Do you have it?"

"Yes, I have the number."  (may sound puzzled)

"I have some personal and confidential information to discuss with you.  Is this a good time to talk?"

If not, arrange a time to call back.
If it is a good time, continue.

"My name is (name), and I'm calling from (location)."
          "I was born on (date) in (location)..." 
                    OR
          "On (date) in (location) I gave birth to a son/daughter..."

"...and my search has led me to you."

(SILENCE?)

Let him or her take the initiative unless you become uncomfortable with the silence.  Then:

"I do not want to interfere."
          OR
"I am very concerned about your privacy and merely need  information."  
          OR
"I care very much about your situation and don't want to upset you."

These things may happen at this time:

1. S/he may hang up:  S/he is panicky, scared, upset, confused, has people in the room that s/he cannot share this with.
    

2. Rejection:  The other party rejects you verbally or by hanging up (rejection may be temporary or permanent).  Most birthmothers eventually consent to at least one informative conversation with the adoptee, but there is always the chance of finding the one who will not cooperate.
    

3. Denial:  S/he may want more facts.  Stay calm and continue the conversation.  Play it by ear.
    

4. A confusing, non-verbal sort of conversation:  This usually means the s/he wants contact.  There are people in the room s/he can't share this with at this time.  Or there may be people, not necessarily in the room, she feels she cannot share the information with, but is afraid of losing contact now that it is made, needs time to organize thoughts and work through shock.
    

5. Affirmation:  S/he may respond positively, leaving open the possibility of talking again and pursuing a further relationship.  Set up a time for your next conversation.