- Have you been contacted by an adoptee?
- Nervous?
- Scared?
- Let me share some thoughts with you.
I would
like to convey a message to those of you who have been
touched by adoption in a particular way: those of you
who have been contacted by an adoptee, may you be
birthmother, birthfather, half-sibling, full sibling, aunt,
cousin. Let me share some thoughts with you and ask
for your understanding.
You have
been contacted. You may be suspicious. I
understand that you may be afraid. Perhaps you feel
betrayed. Maybe the knowledge of a child given up for
adoption is unknown to you, and all of a sudden, your
telephone is ringing, someone is sending you an e-mail, or
knocking at your door. Who is it? Let me tell
you who it is. It is someone looking for hope.
I ask
that you consider letting this person into your life.
Even though your world may be turned upside down, even
though you didn't ask for this, please think about it.
Give it a chance, you may be opening your heart to a
wonderful, loving person.
I have
heard from many people about reuniting with their birth
families. Many of their stories are heartwarming and
loving. Sadly, many of the stories are heartbreaking
and crushing. Adoptees are sometimes rejected by their
own blood relations. Some birth mothers want nothing
to do with the child they gave up for adoption. Being
a mother myself, I find that very difficult to understand,
but I am not them, cannot put myself in their shoes.
Many birthmothers were so terribly wounded having to adopt
out their children that they simply cannot deal with a
reunion. They cannot revisit the old hurt.
Perhaps they have a secret kept so buried, they feel it may
do irreparable harm to themselves or others to unearth it.
There are lots of reasons why a birthparent may be afraid.
I realize there may be extenuating circumstances.
There
are also birth siblings that are often contacted by an
adoptee. They may be full siblings or half-siblings,
but often they are surprised to learn that there is a
brother or sister out there looking for them. It may
be a shock, I know, but denial doesn't make something
untrue. It only shuts someone out, hurts someone to
the very core.
I know
that not everyone has good intentions. There may be
some people who are dishonest, or looking to take advantage.
But I think that the majority of us adoptees have only the
best intentions. We may want nothing more than to just
be allowed into your life. I know that may be hard for
some of you, but think about it. Did the adopted-out
child ask to be given up? Is the adopted-out child
responsible for their circumstances? Why, of course
not. An adoptee is the innocent here, a victim if you
will. I don't mean a victim in the sense that they
were harmed or abused, but a victim of circumstance.
An adoptee is powerless in the decision-making, a baby
bystander. There is a fear of abandonment that many
adoptees feel while growing up. Some feel a huge void
their whole lives, some have control issues, some have
relationship fears and find it difficult to connect with
people. Some come from happy homes, some come from
troubled ones. We are all different and have different
experiences growing up. But adoptees are alike in that
they are often searching for something. It may be
truth, it may be medical history, it may be siblings, it may
be because they long to look like someone, they may want to
know their religious background. Many of us simply
want to have a connection with a blood relation, simply to
know where we come from. This is more often than not
our motivation. Not greed, not money, not restitution,
not harm. We don't want to hurt anyone. We only
wish to be acknowledged and accepted for who we are.
We are not a shameful secret, we are human beings.
Unless
you are adopted, you can never understand the yearning to
know if you look like someone else, act like someone else,
think like someone else. To us, it seems a miracle
when we physically resemble someone, not having grown up
with the experience that birth children have. To us,
making a connection with a birth relative is extremely
comforting (especially if they accept us), as suddenly there
is a common denominator in our lives that we never had
before.
Adoptees
who are searching are brave. They are taking an
enormous risk. They may be unsuccessful in their
search. Or they may be successful, only to be
rejected. I heard from one man who located his
birthmother by mail. He wanted to meet her, but she
refused. He was deeply disappointed but respected her
wishes, hoping that perhaps someday she might change her
mind. All he wants to do now is to see her from afar
– just to see what she looks like, not to force a
confrontation, just to see her face. That's it.
Does that tug at your heartstrings? It should.
He desperately longs to meet a stranger, his own mother, but
will settle just to see her face and nothing more.
This is all food for
thought, just some things to consider if you have been
approached by an adoptee or if you are beginning a reunion.
Understandably, you may have concerns, but I urge you to be
wary rather than suspicious. I urge you to open your
mind to a possibly new, exciting, rewarding, and potentially
gratifying relationship.
I would also like to
address the adoptive family. Please try not to be
afraid. If your adopted child is seeking birthparents
or siblings, try and accept why. Try to understand
what they are looking for. As I said, it is a
connection they want, not a replacement for you. They
are not searching to hurt you, only to try to find out more
about themselves. They are not being ungrateful, they
are looking for a missing piece of the puzzle. Try to
put your fears aside and trust in your child. For
whatever reason, they feel they must do this. Let
them. You raised this person, they love you, and
they'll come back to you. I spoke with someone not
long ago and she made an interesting comment to me.
When she learned that my adoptive parents had both passed
away, she said, "Well, you have your birthparents. How
luck you are," as if I had this second set of parents to
replace the first set of parents. Nope. I know
she meant well, but my birthparents are not replacements.
They are my relatives, they are extremely important to me,
but they are not going to step in and take over the role my
mom and dad had. How disrespectful that would be!
Just for the record, my birthparents will be forever
grateful to my adoptive parents for raising me and loving me
and taking good care of me.
As long as we have
taken this brief detour here, let me mention one other pet
peeve I have regarding parents and their "labels." So
often, people make the mistake of asking about my "real"
parents. That's the word I've heard used over and
over. "Real." What do you suppose my answer
would be? Would my "real" parents be my birth parents,
or would my "real" parents be the only parents I ever knew,
my adopted parents? My suggestion is to refrain
altogether from using the world "real." Both sets of
parents are my "real" parents. I prefer to say
"adopted" and "birth" if a distinction needs to be made (as
it often does, I mean this can get confusing!). But
let's drop the word "real" because to me it implies that
there is an opposite, which would be "not real." I'm
getting off my soapbox now and apologize for the digression,
but felt it was an important point to make.
Let me conclude by
saying that not only am I an adoptee, I am also a member of
a stepfamily. I have a stepdaughter whom I love as
much as my own children. I have an adoptive family, a
birth family, and a stepfamily. If you take away the
adoptive, birth, and step, what are you left with?
Family. Pure and simple. That's what is real.
So if you are
considering a relationship with an adoptee who has sought
you out, give it a go. You may gain much more than you
expected.
