Relationship Stages After Reunion

Reprinted with permission from Parent Finders, Inc., Ontario, Canada, April 1994  
 

Not every individual goes through every stage.  They may not be sequential; they may be repeated.  The stages are common to the post-reunion period and are normal consequences of reunion.

1. Honeymoon Stage

   • Characterized by euphoria, joy, and a sense of being on top of the world
   • Effort made by parties to find similarity and common interests.
   • Much time spent together in an effort to catch up on each other's lives with exchanges of photos, letters, and gifts.
   • Preoccupation wit hthe other party.
   • Minor negotiations about relationship, e.g. what to call each other.
   • Some uncertainty about place or role in other's life, frequency of contact, how to introduce each other to friends and family members.
      

2. Time Out Stage

• One party may pull back to evaluate and process events.  The honeymoon is over.
• The other party may feel confused when this occurs.  The birthparent may feel hurt, angry, frustrated, and frightened if the adoptee pulls back.  The adoptee may feel rejected by the birthparent if s/he pulls back.
• Problems in the relationship may develop here due to lack of understanding of the process.  Society has few role models for this experience.
• Parties may need professional help to resolve the situation.

3. Showdown Stage

   • Confrontation of parties to address status of relationship and its future development.
   • If birthparents initiates confrontation, s/he may fear loss of child again.  Confronting an adopted adult is difficult because the biological tie is not enough to assure success  In parenting, the element of permanency exists and the bond is not so fragile.
   • If adopted adult confronts birthparents, s/he may fear being rejected by the birthparents.
      

4. Disengagement Stage

• Characterized by adopted adult or birthparents really moving away from the other – not just pulling back.
• Can be extremely painful for either party with feelings of anger, loss, and rejection.
• Can occur if expectations are too rigid and differences between parties are too great.

5. Solidifying Stage

• Characterized by earnest negotiations between parties; roles, differences, issues continue to be worked on, but the relationship is more solid and settled with few ups and downs because agreement has been reached in many areas.
• Renegotiations occur as life changes and growth takes place and new relationship roles emerge.